Death + Revival + Coffee

Ep. 002: Together, Better

• Joanna Zuidema • Season 1 • Episode 2

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 18:16

Community shapes your grief experience. Today's episode shares a few simple ways to refine your supportive community so that it meets your needs in this season. No matter if you're grieving or supporting someone who is, acknowledging your needs and sharing them honestly lets us help each other better.

Follow @death.revival.coffee on Instagram

Visit deathrevivalcoffee.com for full episode transcript.

Ep. 002 Links:

"Hey guys, I just wanted to give you a heads up as we head towards September that if my mood ever seems off or if I'm asking for clarification more than may seem necessary it's because September holds a few hard anniversaries from last year and I'm navigating grief associated with them. I'm not totally sure what to expect, so I'm making space for whatever it may look like. I'm trying to prepare for the heavier ones that are coming (one right at the beginning of September and one at the end). You may see me being more intentional about focusing on one thing at a time, working extra closely with a priority list even when it may not seem necessary, wearing my noise-cancelling headphones a lot when in the office, or sending emails/doing a bit of work after bedtime."




Welcome to Death + Revival + Coffee. I'm your host, Joanna, and you're listening to episode two. Death happens, but we're still here. So let's figure that out together. 

Death + Revival + Coffee is a candid conversation about living life and finding hope in the shadow of death. You're carrying a lot, but we have space for it. So rest for a minute. I'm glad you're here. 

One of the most fundamental elements of grief is community. No matter if you are five minutes or five decades out from your loss, or even if you're supporting somebody who's grieving, your community will have one of the greatest impacts on your entire experience. If I was only able to give you one grief survival tip, it would be to curate and refine your community constantly. There are a few really simple ways to do this, and I can't wait to share them with you, so let's dive in.

Think of a time that you felt well supported — a time when your experience was honored and respected and you felt accepted as you were in that moment. 

Now think of the opposite. Think of a time when you felt dismissed, ignored, or hurt when you just needed somebody to be there for you. 

Our lives are shaped by the community that surrounds us, and when we're grieving, those people are seeing us hurting and vulnerable. Some people will meet that pain and vulnerability with grace and understanding, while others not so much. 

The way you grieve is unique to you. Two people grieving the same loss may have drastically different ways of showing their grief; your spouse, your family, your friends all grieve in their own ways. Everyone's personal story informs their beliefs and comfort level with death and grief, and it's because of these differences that those around us may not know or understand what it is we need. If we haven't made our needs known, their support is based entirely on their interpretation of our needs which is rooted in their personal beliefs surrounding end-of-life, which may or may not align with what is true for us. 

So what do I mean when I say community? When I say “community,” I'm talking about all of our spheres of influence, because death impacts each of them. 

These spheres of influence are going to look different for everybody. Some of us may be surrounded by a really tight web of family, while others might be more isolated. For some of us, our inner circle may be incredibly supportive and thoughtful love while for others, that inner circle may not be equipped to help with grief at all and in fact, may be intentionally or unintentionally causing harm because of it. Some of us may have really supportive workplaces, while others might have to bury anything remotely personal to make it through the workday. 

Nobody has a perfect support system, that's just the nature of people in a broken world. The goal is not to achieve a perfect support system — that's not realistic, or honestly, even possible. The goal is to make small shifts to help the community that surrounds you support you better. 

So to start, let's take a look at where you're at right now:

Who or what is supporting you well? 

What's missing? What are you longing for? 

There are plenty of times, especially in early grief when saying what you need may just not be possible, and that's normal and okay. But if or when you're able to, taking a moment to think about and acknowledge what your heart needs is the first step in refining your support system. 

Remember those two questions, pay attention to what serves you well and what doesn't, keeping in mind that those things can and will evolve over time. This is an easy way to assess where you're at right now and helps keep a mental inventory of what works for you. 

Advocating for yourself can take a lot of energy, but the short effort of being honest with what you need can be significantly easier than dealing with a triggering experience. 

One of the frustrating parts of grief is feeling like you have to teach those around you how to manage this universal experience. Everyone dies and most of us will have a loved one die before our time on earth is done. This has been true since the beginning of time. Why then is society still so collectively terrible at this whole grief thing? 

Even when it's messy or awkward, 9 times out of 10 those who love and support you want to love you well. By being honest, you honor your relationship and, most importantly, yourself. Ultimately, if something or someone is not serving or supporting you well,  create some distance. Curate your community and refine what surrounds you so that your soul has space to breathe and to heal. 

The foundation of any supportive relationship is honest communication. Running on assumptions rarely works out for anyone involved. Honesty, grace, and realistic expectations will help keep things headed towards healing. So let's talk through a few simple things you can do to help make space for that within each of your spheres of influence, starting with your inner circle: 

Your inner circle is made up of spouses/significant others, family and friends. These are your strongest connections. Your inner circle knows not only your grief story but your life story and they're the most involved in your life on a day-to-day basis. 

  • With spouses or significant others, one of the biggest things is understanding the unique ways each of you grieves. So much heartache can stem from not being aware of or understanding your differences. The other day, my therapist was talking about the beauty of the words "different" and "and." The way you two grieve is different, and you both are impacted by the death, and you both love each other.

    So have a conversation about how you grieve. It doesn't need to be a full college course on one another's grief experience. Sharing even one need can make a huge difference. This can sound like saying, "I process things privately while I'm alone and focused on a project," or, "I get a lot of energy from being around people and talking about what happened," or "it's important to me to honor their birthday." Statements like these can help clear some of that griefy fog ever so slightly. And if you're having one of those hard, heavy days, but can't put words to exactly what's triggering it, simply acknowledging, "I'm just really missing them today" can help both of you. 

    If you're struggling to have some of these conversations or feel like you just keep hitting walls, bringing in an objective third party like a therapist, a pastor or a mentor can really help to encourage and facilitate those conversations. It's worth doing the work.

  • When it comes to family and friends, especially when you are early on in your grief, it can be incredibly helpful to find a point person – someone you can update who will relay the information to those who need to hear it on your behalf. Having to repeatedly answer the same questions can be exhausting and even triggering, many times leaving you managing other people's emotions when you're barely holding it together yourself. Having a point person allows you to use your energy to share what you want when you're ready to without completely draining yourself in the process.

    When I was pregnant with Norah, my closest girlfriends knew that if I shared something with one of them, it was to be shared to the entire group. So they took that on themselves. And each of our parents knew that if we shared information with them, it could be shared with the rest of the family unless we told them otherwise.

    Another way you can go about doing this is by utilizing things like blogs or Caringbridge, or social media to create one place that your loved ones can visit for updates. The goal is to simplify the amount of information relay that you are responsible for. 

  • Also, your friends and family are often looking to you to gauge how to support you and what you're comfortable with, so you may need to be the first to bring up your person. But by being open with your experience, you're just showing them how to help you. And this is true for your middle circle as well. 


Your middle circle is made up of people like coworkers, therapists, a medical team and spiritual mentors or pastors. Those in your middle circle are highly involved in parts of your daily life, and intimately familiar with pieces of your story, but not as holistically involved as your inner circle. 

  • With coworkers and employers, some are going to be better at handling grief than others, so you're going to have to do what makes sense for you. But the biggest thing overall is to be honest about what you're going through. It comes back to this idea of running on assumptions, right? They can't make space for your grief or pain if they don't know about it. Now I'm not saying to shout it from the rooftops, but communicating with your primary team is vital. 

  • You can apply the idea of a point person to work too, even if that person is HR. In fact, be sure to connect with your HR person, because they will be able to share or clarify any policies in place surrounding bereavement leave and time off, as well as any resources that might be available to you. They may also be able to help you walk through some of the post-death logistical nightmare because they tend to be more familiar with the types of companies and organizations that you are now having to navigate for the first time. 

  • Another easy way to communicate with your team is by sending a simple note to those you work closest with. If you have hard anniversaries coming up, let them know. Let them know how grief may impact you on around hard days and if there are certain things that you might try to avoid during that time. In the shownotes, you'll find a simplified copy of the note I sent to my work team last month as I was headed into the one year anniversaries of my miscarriage. 

  • Some of you may have workplaces that aren't great with handling grief, and that's tough because bills have to be paid. But what I'll say in those instances is to try to make space for yourself in the margins. Maybe it's grabbing your favorite coffee on the way in, taking a walk over lunch, or calling a thoughtful friend on your break to vent. Should you choose to try and advocate further, remember that grief is universal, so any positive change you can influence will likely impact many future employees. 

  • Your middle circle also includes your medical team or therapists. Never forget that you are paying these individuals to support you and help you heal. If they are not serving you well find someone else. If the nurse you're assigned at the hospital doesn't mesh with you, request a different one. If your doctor dismisses your concerns, find one who listens. If you've tried a few therapy sessions but you're just not feeling it, try a different therapist, specifically one who specializes in what you've gone through. The pandemic has helped normalize virtual visits, so you may be able to access providers even if they're located a little further away.

    Understand that traditional medicine does have its limits. They are really good at finding a problem and fixing it, but the pain of grief isn't fixable; there is nothing they can do to make your person not dead. If you're seeking more holistic support in processing your trauma and just general healing, I'd really encourage you to explore some alternative approaches to support your mind and body in other ways. Things like acupuncture, massage, reiki, holistic and functional medicine can be incredibly beneficial because they tend to assess the mind and body spirit as a whole. These approaches are not meant to replace traditional medicine or therapy — they're meant to complement it and enhance it; they're just different tools in your healing toolkit. 

  • When it comes to spiritual support, faith can be really complex and challenging after a death. The places that once acted as your spiritual home may now feel difficult, triggering or honestly even hurtful. The capital C church is unfortunately notorious for shaming and dismissing some of the messy realities of grief, whether intentionally or not, leaving many people with this additional layer of church hurt on top of their grief.

    Here's what I'm gonna say about that: God doesn't care what church you go to. He doesn't care if you watch sermons online, or if you sing in the choir every Sunday. He cares about you. He cares about having a relationship with you, and He will meet you where ever you are. If aspects of going to the service in person are difficult for you right now, watch the sermons online. If your pastor isn't resonating with you, check out a different church. If opening your bible feels hard, maybe try a devotional app like First 5 to help guide you, or maybe listen to an audio bible like Streetlights when you take a walk. If you're angry with God, yell, scream, break plates. (I can personally attest that breaking plates is incredibly satisfying) Get a journal and write out every thought that comes to mind. Throw a full blown tantrum at his feet. Not only can he take it, he welcomes it and he loves you even there. That honest and open communication thing? That applies to God too. 

The last sphere of influence is your outer circle, which includes your connections on social media, as well as organizations or businesses involved in your story. Your outer circle influences and inspires you with or without a personal connection. 

  • When it comes to social media, curate your feed. Unfollow any people or companies that don't bring you peace or joy. For example, if you just lost a child and somebody made a pregnancy announcement, you can unfollow them or hide the post. If the news is giving you too much anxiety or is even triggering you, turn it off. It's the internet. None of these changes are set in stone. Your feed should honor whatever season you're in right now. 

  • Be intentional about who you follow. Use hashtags and groups to find people with similar experiences — be really specific. For example, I've made really great connections with others using the Trisomy13, miscarriage or lungcancer hashtags. Don't discount the connections you can make online. The loss mom community I've found online has been the best source of some of the most honest, supportive and targeted advice because they've all been there before. There are great accounts both with really specific focuses as well as general grief and death. I'll share some of my favorites in the show notes for you. 

  • If there were any organizations that were involved in your experience, you can stay connected with them if it feels right. For us, The Ronald McDonald House, Faith's Lodge, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, and a few others played big roles in our story. Following them online helps me stay connected to them and keeps me aware of opportunities to support them and pay it forward. 

  • And lastly, just follow anything that brings you joy or makes you laugh. Do you love silly, enneagram memes? Art? Cat videos? Gardening? Fill your feed with those things too. Death is one part of your story, but be sure to feed all of your soul. Your whole story matters.

Whether it's your inner circle, middle circle, outer circle, or even just acknowledging what your needs are, these small changes will have a huge impact on your grief experience. Start small. Do what you're able to. Every little shift will create space for your soul to breathe.

This is where healing happens. 

This is where life happens. 

It's worth it. 

You're worth it. 

I like to end each episode with a little section called, "What's in my cup?"– just a quick chat about both what's literally in my mug as well as what's filling my cup, something that's giving me energy right now. 

So what's in my cup? 

Well, life has been a little chaotic lately, so it had been a Folgers k-cup plus maybe some oat milk creamer, but our Keurig broke so now it's either water or if I happen to run past a coffee shop, I'll pick up an Americano. If I'm feeling extra fancy, I'll order it with oat milk and a splash of carmel. If your body also doesn't like dairy, but you enjoy adding a little something to your coffee, I'll share what I use in the show notes. I've tried other alternative milks as well, but they just this just don't sit well with me; oat milk appears to be the winner. 

What's filling my cup? 

Right now it's journaling. It sounds like such a cliche answer, honestly. But really, journaling has become my way to brain-dump on God. It's my way to have a moment for gratitude, to pray and to track and reflect on my little Bible study. Now, it did not start out anywhere near this involved. After Norah died, all I could write were three things I was grateful for, which many times sounded like, "being alive," "breathing," or "the sun coming up." But the routine of getting the thoughts out of my head and especially focusing on gratitude has been incredibly therapeutic. When I'm able to, it just starts my day off in such a better place. I don't use a fancy journal; I've been using Moleskines since I think college, so I stuck with that. And I'm obsessed with the basic Bic Round Stic pens. (I'm not kidding. I have a 50 pack because I am that particular). I'll link to both of them in the show notes, but you can probably just find them at Target. 

I'm going to send you off with two short verses: Galatians 6:2 and Proverbs 27:17. 

Galatians 6:2 says, "Carry each other's burdens and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." 

Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." 

God intended us to function in community, so let's help each other do that well. 


Thanks for joining me for this episode of Death + Revival + Coffee and for honoring me with your time. You can find links to resources I mentioned in the show notes and you can follow me on Instagram @death.revival.coffee. 

Let's chat again soon.